


Two Knights And A Fuck Load Of Cutlery

by handsinmittens



Series: Two Knights And A Fuck Load Of Cutlery [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, the title is a hot fuzz reference, this is just pure crack and nonsense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-04 09:24:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handsinmittens/pseuds/handsinmittens
Summary: Always platonic relationship. It’s not supposed to be romantic in any way at all just some humor for our salty space son. You both be bad boys for lyf. I like to think the knights are an all girl murder gang but this is gender neutral for all. Except Kylo I guess.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Always platonic relationship. It’s not supposed to be romantic in any way at all just some humor for our salty space son. You both be bad boys for lyf. I like to think the knights are an all girl murder gang but this is gender neutral for all. Except Kylo I guess.

“Kylo, I quit.”

“You can’t just quit the Knights of Ren. I am your master.” Kylo said. He already had to deal with an escapee stormtrooper and prisoner. Now one of his knights was quitting? No he won’t allow it.

“I’m quitting because I’m not paid enough and I don’t even get a pension. Come on Kylo, we all retire sometime. I like to know i’ll be ok after i’ve retired.” You packed your bags and walked out your room, Kylo followed behind you.

“You know when you join the first order, you can’t leave. It’s for life.”

“Whatever Kylo, you can’t stop me. The first order can suck my ass. No amount of hand waving and laser swords will stop me.” You stormed off to the hangar, ready to leave here. You weren’t really angry but you just wanted Kylo to think that. You turned around when you heard him yell at you.

“Fine then! Leave! I don’t care, just leave like everybody else does!” He yelled, still following you. You rolled your eyes at him. Maker, he was so kriffing dramatic.

“Come on Kylo, I know you’d miss me. Just raise my pay and give me days off.” You put your hands on your hips and started tapping your foot.

“Bu… I…..Ugh…. It’s not me that pays you it’s Hux!” Kylo was getting frustrated now. You had to hold back your smile.

You burst out laughing. “ _Hux_? You mean to tell me that Hux has been paying the knights?” It made sense since numbers weren’t really Kylo’s thing. Still it was hilarious. Kylo didn’t move from where he stood, instead trying to intimidate you with his stare. It didn’t work. It never works.

“Kylooooo come oooonnnn. I’ll stay if you pay me more and let me on missions with you.”

“Fine! Fine! I will get Hux to give you a raise and you can come on more missions with me. Are you happy now?!”

You pretended to think about it. “I want to move in with you. I’m an excellent roomie.”

“……and you can move in with me.” Kylo sighed. Sacrifice’s must be made for the cause.

* * *

 

“Ok so what do you think of these?” You held up two pieces of paper. One black and one slightly less black. Not grey but it was still black.

“They are the same. What is this on my bed? What did you do to it?” You looked over and saw he was complaining about his new bed cover. You saw them in a shop and had to have them. They were perfect for Kylo and you could get rid of his nasty old ones. Clearly neither Snoke or Luke taught Kylo that you had to change your bedding every so often. Maker his room was disgusting, did he even let anyone in to clean? It was time for a complete redecoration. You had shared a room with another knight and they had shown you the best way to decorate a room. Even forces of darkness need a hobby right?

“It’s lightsabers. It’s got little versions of your lightsabers on it. How cute is that? Now which colour do you prefer? If you don’t like these I have some dark blue you can look at.” You went to find the samples for him.

“Just because you are moving in with me does NOT mean you get to transform my room. You have your own get out of mine.” You ignored him, still looking for those samples. You found them inside one of the suitcases you had brought back from your shopping trip. After raiding villages you made a quick stop to take stuff for yourself. Hey, you work for the first order and you can take whatever you want.

“I got this nice fancy pedestal for Vader and even a matching cloth so the helmet doesn’t scratch the pedestal. Kylo are you listening to me, look at this.” Kylo was this close to having a tantrum. As a knight you were trained to watch out for the signs so you had taken his lightsaber off of him. He can destroy the rest of the ship for all you care but not your rooms.

“Who let you be in charge? I’M the master of the Knights of Ren not you. Me! I am the boss!” Kylo said. He didn’t realise you would go this far. You had asked him if you could crack open a window and he had to remind you that you were in a ship floating in space and it would kill you. It would also kill the smell you had replied.

“Kylo I always get my own way and if I say you’re having bed covers with mini lightsabers on you will have bed covers with mini lightsabers on.” You said. Kylo’s shoulders slumped, this was one battle he wasn’t going to win.

You rubbed your hands together gleefully. It was nice getting your own way. “You fall asleep under those bad boys and you’ll wake up nice and refreshed. Kylo this is going to be so much fun, we’ll be best friends, we can stay up late bitching about Hux and braiding each other’s hair.”

“Bitching yes. Braiding no.” Ah well it was a start. At least Kylo was listening to you.

* * *

 

Kylo had resigned himself to sitting on the bed while you moved your stuff in and ordered stormtroopers to be there next morning to clean the whole place and redecorate the rooms. He argued against it at first but you reminded him that he could just wipe their memories so he agreed to it.

“Kylo you need to be more excited.” You bounced down on the bed next to him. “I’ll be your friend and i’ll be the bestest knight like no one ever was.”

Kylo lay back down on the bed closing his eyes. Maker he was regretting this. “I don’t have friends, you’re my acquaintance and i’m the ‘bestest’ knight so you can kiss that goodbye.”

“Don’t be pedantic Kylo. I’ll be your second ‘bestest’ knight and we are friends. We’ll be bad boys for lyf. The ultimate duo nothing will stand in our way. Know why Kylo? Know why?

Kylo sighed, there really was no shutting you up. “Why Y/N?”

“It’s because we are bad boys Kylo that’s why.” You said barely hiding a smile. Kylo groaned out loud.

You lied down next to him. “Come on Kylo work with me here. I’m really not feeling anything here, is it the bed covers? You got to accept them.” Something seriously went wrong when this boy was made. Who wouldn’t love lightsaber bed covers?”

“Yes whatever fine I accept them. No touching my grandfather’s helmet.”

“Fine but no getting up at 3am talking to it it’s weird.” You got up off the bed. “Oh I got us a mini fridge as well.”

“I talk to it when I need advice and if I need advice at 3am I will talk to it. I will not be denied.” Kylo sat up again. Nobody was going to take this away from him. Not even his annoying new roommate.

“Kylo you can’t possibly need advice at 3am you need sleep.” You glared at Kylo. You thought Hux was dramatic everytime he threw a fit at the tiniest little thing. So you stole his cat what of it? She was bored and you were bored. Hux was such a baby.

“No Kylo you will get sleep and when you wake up you can seek advice then ok?” You left the room to leave the drama queen alone.

* * *

 

“Hey Kylo. I’m pregnant and it’s yours.” You pulled out a build your own BB unit kit. He’d been having some trouble lately tracking down a droid so you’d thought if he had his own, he wouldn’t stress out as much. “We’re going to be such great parents.” Kylo just sat down on the floor in your shared room and didn’t say anything. He learnt better than that. He had tried to seek advice from his grandfather at 3am but he had woken you up so you threw a boot at his head with extreme accuracy.

“At what point in our friendship did you think I’d be able to look after a droid?”

You smiled when you noticed he had said friendship. Kylo was finally warming up to you. “A droid doesn’t have basic needs like we do.” Kylo ran a hand through his hair, surprised none of it had fallen out yet.

“Very well we can keep it.” You smiled at him as you opened the box and you both began to build the droid.

“We’ll have to make room for our child now Kylo. I’m sure Vader would like to see his great-grandchild.”

“Our child does not need a room, it’s a droid. It doesn’t need anything.”

You gasped. “How dare you talk about our son like that.”

“It has a gender now???” Kylo looked so close to tears. It was a kriffing droid.

* * *

 

“Kylo let’s blow this joint and go on a date.” Kylo turned around slowly to glare at you. “Ooooo sorry too soon?” It had been months since the battle on Starkiller, you hadn’t been there when Kylo fought the scavenger and the traitor but you could tell it was a sore subject for him. You had visited him in the med bay promising that you would make your shared rooms ready for him when he was discharged. You had also taken your son to see him. It didn’t cheer him up and he force threw you and the droid out the room. Who pissed in his blue milk that morning?

“You can’t say no I know what you like.” You said.

“What do you propose we do?” Kylo asked.

“I found Vader’s old crib on Mustafar we can go for a spooky tour and you can hold my hand.” You hoped he would take it up. The guy needed a vacation and you figured something related to his grandfather would cheer him up.

“Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

With that you both headed towards his shuttle for a spooky tour on a lava planet where his grandfather was injured. Perhaps you should of suggested therapy instead.


	2. Bused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off of Threw It On The Ground by Lonely Island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know anymore

"I'm back."

You flopped down onto Kylo’s bed dramatically hoping to get Kylo’s attention. He was reading a book and after a few minutes he finally spoke.

“You’re late.”

“Yeah Takonda sucks. The mission was a success but our ship broke down so we had to wait around for it to be fixed.” You said.

Kylo said nothing only turning over and facing away from you. He was hoping you’d get the hint and leave him alone.

“You know I decided to go by Maz’s and kill some time while the ship was being fixed. There was this guy outside handing out some new type of drink. He said it would make me run faster, jump higher and I wasn’t going to let some guy poison me so I took it and I threw it on the ground.”

There was a sound of book snapping shut and Kylo turned around to face you.

“I had a very important highly classified mission to go on to Tattooine and I was just coincidentally in the same place as where my favourite hot dog stand is. So I decided to grab one and the guy goes you come here all the time, here’s one for free.” He said.

Kylo sat up and continued to tell you what had happened.

“I said what do I look like? A charity case? So I took it and threw it on the ground. I don’t need hand outs, i’m an adult.”

“You sure showed him.” You said, getting up to leave. The shower was calling you and you had to answer.

* * *

 

You were stood beside Phasma and had come with Kylo to the meeting room. You had come to report on your mission and everybody seemed satisfied with it. Kylo was about to leave when Hux handed him a datapad.

“It’s your dad.”

There was a deathly silence in the room. Nobody mentioned his father, not even Hux.

“This isn’t my dad. This is a datapad.”

Suddenly Kylo took it and threw it on the ground.

“You think i’m stupid? I’m not a part of your system, General. My dad’s not a datapad. Duh.”

Kylo stormed out of the room, you following closely behind him.


	3. Busted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren is sick of Hux who is sick of Kylo and you're sick of both of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on Busted from Phineas & Ferb. We all know this is their song anyway.

“I’m sick of that ginger prick always tattling on me to Snoke.”

“Uh huh.”

Kylo was pacing around your bedroom while you lay on your bed flicking through a book. You had tuned out what he was saying and just often nodded your head or made non-committal noises just so Kylo thought you were paying attention.

“When I finally get the goods on him, Snoke will finally believe how Hux is no good for the first order. He thinks I’m naive just because of who I am, well I’ll show him.”

Kylo left the room and you let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

 

“Phasma tells me it’s all drama but as they say Y/N, every bubble has got to pop. Supreme leader Snoke will finally see what Kylo is really doing and then he’s finally going to have to stop Ren’s childish behaviour. If I’m really lucky supreme leader will get rid of him for good or at least move him elsewhere.” Hux said to you.

You were in the control room and you were trying not to gouge your own eyeballs out. Now Hux was pulling the same tricks as Kylo. You were actually trying to get to Phasma to pass on a message but it seems the General had other ideas and stopped you.

“Despite everything I really don’t want put the hurt on him, I just need Snoke to finally understand.” He said, as you sneaked past him and made your way over to Phasma.

* * *

 

“If it weren’t for my force abilities I think I would of considered a career in law enforcement.”

You choked on your drink.

“I’ll be like the new cop on the beat and I’m going to bring the heat down on Hux. I don’t really need to know the force because I am wise to all his lies.”

Oh yeah Kylo was still on about that. You were in the canteen alone finally getting some food and Kylo had tracked you down.

“Well I have to be going now Y/N but hurry up I have lots to discuss with you.” Kylo left the canteen and you were finally alone again.

* * *

 

“There is this one six letter word I really love right now Y/N.” Hux said, sitting opposite you.

Oh for kriff’s sake.

Not even five seconds and the quiet had been interrupted.

You sighed. “What is that word Hux.”

“It starts with a B and it goes B-U-S-T-E-D. He is so busted. I finally have what I need on him. Snoke is finally going to see the light.”

“Maker help me.”

Hux continued talking oblivious to your complaining. You abandoned your tray and left the canteen as fast as you could.

* * *

 

“I heard Hux and Kylo are in major trouble with Snoke.” Phasma said.

“Yeah it’s weird how they both exactly turned up at the same time to tattle on each to Snoke. It’s like someone told them exactly when to go.” You replied with a smirk on your face.

“I thought you were Kylo’s friend?”

“Yes and as his friend I had to put a stop to his obsession with getting Hux into trouble. It’s quieter now with them two being separated.” You told Phasma.

“I believe the entire First Order thanks you then.”

The First Order actually managed to get some work done on that day since Hux and Kylo had been ‘grounded.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with another man who isn’t him and he’s annoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The continuing adventures of Kylo Ren and his Knight of Ren roommate/best friend. Also I have no originality and continue to steal from other people. This time it’s a vine. Pretty short. No mention of bitches. Kylo just wants to friends.

You were on your way to the training room having been called at the last minute.

You were tired from spending the day helping around the ship. Training had originally been cancelled but now Kylo wanted to do some one on one training with you. You thought you were doing well in training, you certainly weren’t slacking. You could only wonder what Kylo really wanted.

* * *

 

“You’re late.”

“Yeah I was on the other side of the ship an-”

“I have no time for your excuses. Pick up one of the training staffs.” Kylo said, with a tone that suggested if you disobeyed him there would be some consequences.

You picked up one of the staffs and noticed Kylo already had one in his hand.

“Kylo I don’t need extra training. What’s this really about.” You dodged out of the way of the staff.

“Why does it have to be about anything?” Kylo snapped at you.

“There is always a reason with you. Did somebody piss in your blue milk again?”

You started to laugh at a half tired half angry Kylo but because you were laughing you were caught off guard.

“This is why you need extra training.”

Kylo had you pinned against the wall, the staff pointed at your chest.

“We’re friends Kylo you can tell me anything I won’t tell anyone else.”

“That’s just it, isn’t it? I’m your friend. I saw you hanging out with Hux yesterday.” Kylo said, moving the staff away from you but he switched his lightsaber on.

“Kylo it’s not what it looks like.” Now he was really over-reacting. Now you couldn’t have other friends? If he stopped arguing with everyone for five seconds he could make more friends.

Kylo twirled his lightsaber around a few times before pointing it at you. You were really getting sick of things being pointed at you today.

“You wouldn’t dare Kylo Ren.”

He glared at you.

“In other circumstances I wouldn’t of hesitated.”

He switched his lightsaber off and turned his back on you.

“Kylo you’re being silly, I wasn’t hanging around with Hux because I wanted to, he found me.”

He turned around to face you. There was an expression of a wounded puppy on his face.

“Come on Kylo, let’s go to the cafeteria I hear if you frighten the kitchen stuff enough they give you the best stuff.” You said.

“Let’s go then.”

Kylo clipped his lightsaber back onto his belt and you both left the training room.

It was tough work being friends with someone who was basically the same as the housewives you see in a reality tv shows.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all days in the First Order is planning revenge and murder against the Republic and the Resistance. More adventures in the Kylo and his long-suffering Knight of Ren best friend series.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is Zapp Brannigan. Despite mentions of reader and various defining pronouns this is still and always will be gender neutral reader. Kylo is just a dick.

You and Kylo entered the training room, ready to train some new potential members of the Knights. The previous group of Knights had been wiped out in a surprise attack from the Resistance and the First Order needed some new Knights immediately.

In the training room was a row of makeshift beds and Kylo started walking up and down in front of them.

“The key to victory is discipline and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.” Kylo said.

“You mean while I’m sleeping in it?” One recruit asked.

“You won’t have time for sleeping recruit. Not with all the bed making you’ll be doing.” You told them.

* * *

 

After training Kylo had pulled you aside and told you about his plan to flirt with a girl who he currently had a crush on. Well that’s not exactly what he said. What Kylo said was he was going to put a stop to Hux’s assistant and the spell she has him under because how else could Kylo feel love.

You and Kylo entered the control room where you would find her.

“Commander Ren, is there something I can help you with?” She asked.

“Yes. I know you have put a spell on me and I demand you stop it.”

“Commander, I have not put a spell on you and you cannot demand me to stop something that I have not done. You know someone ought to teach you a lesson.”

You tried to hold back laughter but it came out in a snort. Luckily nobody noticed.

“If it’s a lesson in love, watch out, I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it Y/N?”

You sighed out loud. He had used this line on so many people including yourself.

“Sexlexia.”

* * *

 

“What the hell Kylo.” You yelled.

Ever since Rey had defeated him on Starkiller, Kylo had become a changed man. He didn’t wear his helmet anymore and now wore a different outfit. Kylo claimed that he had tripped over his long robes far too often and decided to shorten them, and the uniforms for the Knights, a little bit.

Of course by shortened the outfits what the commander really meant was they were so ridiculously short that the barely covered the bottom half of your body. These outfits made mini-skirts look like full length skirts. You weren’t afraid to show off your body and with the amount of working out you did, you were very proud of your legs but sometimes things were too much.

“Now Y/N follow me up to the observation deck.”

Kylo started climbing a ladder and you followed right behind him. You made the mistake of looking up.

“Oh, jeez Kylo!”

You closed your eyes the rest of the way up the ladder. It turned out the Commander likes to go commando.

* * *

 

“Y/N I’m heading towards the restrooms and I’ll be needing an attendant…..Oh I’m sorry, you’re crying…..like a woman.” Kylo was sat in his chair in his office and you were sat opposite him, sobbing into your hands.

“It’s alright I’ve always thought of myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic Knights.” He said.

“Well.” You sighed. “I’m in love with this girl.”

Kylo burst out laughing and hit his chair.

“That’s rich…..” Kylo cleared his throat. “Go on.”

“No I don’t want to continue if you’re going to laugh at me.”

“Y/N, we’ve become friends over this past year, come let me show you my guide to making love at a woman.”

Kylo stood up and pulled a whiteboard out from the wall.

“When making love at a woman there are ten things to keep in mind. Number one; If a woman has only one eye her lack of depth perception may, with any luck, prevent her from noticing certain anatomical shortcomings.”

Your eyes went wide. You didn’t need this.

“Number two; If, on the other hand, a woman has two eyes she’s less easily fooled but she’ll be none the wiser as long as you keep your distance throughout the lovemaking procedure.”

Procedure? Was Kylo always this clinical about sex?

“Number three; When dating a two tonne amazonian always pack a lunch and a change of pelvis’.“

“Ok what?” You said but Kylo ignored you.

“Number four. If you want to climb aboard the love train you’ve got to stand on the love tracks but you just might get smushed by a very sensual cow-catcher.”

Kylo was currently writing all these points down on the whiteboard with his back turned to you. Maybe you could sneak out while he wasn’t looking.

“Number five. Women are most easily seducted by a man with impeccable hygiene.”

Ok this made sense. Many people could be ‘seducted’ by someone with good hygiene.

“So, before every date, have your servant boy scrub your backside to remove caked on fungus’.“ Kylo continued.

You were going to be sick. You hoped you weren’t the servant boy or that your backside was caked in fungus.

“Number six. Sometimes rugged good looks and odours are not enough to overcome a woman’s natural anger. These cases require a more intellectual approach. The subtle onslaught of wit known as the pick up line.”

You couldn't associate Kylo with pick up lines.

“Number seven. Women love a man in uniform and that man is me.”

Did Kylo just say all women love him? Oh Phasma was not going to be happy about this.

“Number eight. In times of crisis women often panic and fall into the arms of nearest man. No matter how stupid and ugly, the exact type of man Hux is. Your job is to be exactly that type of man.”

You were drifting off into thought wondering if this was payback for forcing you way into Kylo’s rooms and making him change his lifestyle.

“Number nine. Always bring your date a bouquet of flowers then watch for any subtle reaction on her part. If she puts them in water, you’re good to grope.”

You wondered how often Kylo had been hauled into HR for sexual harassment.

“Number ten. If a woman has a five o’clock shadow keep your mind open and your eyes closed.”

Kylo turned around to face an empty office. You had run out as soon as he’d finished his points. It was probably best if you never told anyone how you felt about this girl ever again.

* * *

 

Kylo found you back in your shared rooms talking to your shared BB unit.

“Listen I’m sorry I’m not very good at romance, I just went with it. I’ve not had the best role models in my life.” Kylo said.

“It’s ok but you should probably never ever grope a woman unless she says it’s ok. In fact it’s best if you just never talk to another woman ever again.”

Kylo’s face fell. Back to the drawing board.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren ditched his helmet, made every uniform incredibly short and now is looking for a new name for the Knights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very short. Kylo Ren Evil Incorporated ♪

Kylo had called you and the new Knights into a meeting room to discuss the re-branding of the team.

“Now I have two names for the Knights and Y/N tells me I have to run it past everyone here before I officially change it.”

The other Knights sent you grateful looks.

“My first idea is E.V.I.L”

“Evil?” One Knight said.

“Yes. **E** very **V** illain **I** s  **L** emons”

“Kylo that’s really not striking fear into the hearts of the enemies.” You pointed out.

“Fine!”

Kylo pulled out a sign from under the table and placed it on top.

“My second name is the  **L** eague  **O** f  **V** illainous **E** vildoers **M** aniacally **U** nited **F** or **F** rightening **I** nvestments in **N** aughtiness.”

“You want us to be called love muffin?” You asked.

“Oh for the love of the maker. You know what? Forget it. I try my best and put maximum effort into this and you do nothing but shoot me down. Get out! All of you!” Kylo yelled as he flopped back into his seat.

You waited until everyone had left before pulling a chair around and sitting him in front of him.

“Kylo the name doesn’t matter. The Knights of Ren is still a good name and people fear it already we don’t need something else. What we need is to get our evil message across.”

“How do you suggest we do that?” Kylo sighed.

“I hear the Resistance is holding a dance contest across the galaxy. Lots of coverage there for our evil message.”

Kylo said nothing.

“Poe Dameron will be there and what is more satisfying than out-dancing him?”

Kylo looked at you for a moment then sprang up out of his chair.

“Get the Knights ready we leave in ten.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance have been pretty quiet but there is no rest for the wicked First Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was bound to happen that I was going to do some simpsons ones. I’m supposed to be writing my next part to Risk It All but writing this soothes my anxiety. A little.

Kylo had given you the day off so he could train the new knights. You went down around lunch time to see if he wanted to grab something to eat. You found the door to the training room slightly open and you decided to peek in.

The room had been transformed into a mini classroom and Kylo was wearing black trousers and a black t-shirt.

“Alright here’s the 411 folks.” He said

You opened the door wider so you could see everything.

“Say some gangsta is dissin’ your fly girl. Ya just give him one of these.”

Kylo started breakdancing on the spot and your mouth fell open. If your jaw wasn’t attached to your face you were pretty sure it would of fallen straight to the floor.

Kylo backflipped across the room and to behind the desk where he pulled out a gun. He immediately started shooting at the roof and you ducked to the floor. The Knights seemed fine, even though they were cowering under their desks. As you started to leave you noticed a sign was outside it.

‘Funk Dancing For Self-Defense.’

* * *

 

Kylo had called an emergency meeting. You, Phasma, Hux and Hux’s assistant that Kylo had a crush on were all in the room. You were getting bored and were about to leave when he turned up.

“Alright listen up life obstacles. From now on, nothing is going to stand in Kylo Ren’s way.”

Kylo pointed at you.

“Do your training.”

He turned to Phasma.

“Don’t do so much training.”

Kylo moved onto Hux.

“Learn to shut up.”

Finally Kylo spoke to Hux’s assistant.

“You, let’s love now.”

“Sounds good to me.” She said and Kylo picked her up.

They hadn’t gotten very far before he had to put her down on the floor. You found him collapsed on the ground and out of breath.

“Go on ahead, I’ll only slow you down.” Kylo said the assistant.

She turned to you and you told her to get back to work. You had to scrape the fearsome master of the Knights of Ren off of the floor.

* * *

 

You were getting ready for bed when Kylo finally came back to your shared rooms.

“Nice pajamas L/N, did your mummy buy them for you?” He said in a mocking tone.

He was referring to your space unicorn pajamas. There was nothing wrong with space unicorns and you won’t hear a word against them. Unlike Kylo, you still kept in contact with your parents and they would occasionally send you stuff including nightwear.

“Of course she did. Who else would have?” You said and Kylo was silent for a few minutes.

“Alright L/N you win this round.”

* * *

 

For some reason Hux was happy. This was rare and very worrying. Valentines day was coming up and this apparently put the General in a good mood. You and Kylo had been roped into putting up decorations and making cards for the First Order. Every single person in the First Order.

“Now remember, the General says you must have a valentine for everyone in the First Order.” Phasma said.

“How does it mean anything when everyone is forced to do it?” You asked whilst cutting a heart out of red paper.

“What did I say about pointing out the meaningless of things?” Phasma demanded.

“Not to.” You said in a flat voice.

* * *

 

Kylo had been suffering from nightmares again. Tonight they had gotten particularly bad and he couldn’t fall back asleep. He closed his eyes hoping that might help.

“Kylo you want some brownies before you go to bed!” You shouted

He screamed. To him, all he could see was a silhouette, carrying a large knife and surrounded by a red light.

When he adjusted to the scene he saw you sat on his bed holding out a tray of brownies.

“Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they’re still hot.”

Kylo sighed.

“Y/N, I’m kind of on edge right now I’d appreciate it if you didn’t come into my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.”

“I’m sorry Kylo. I’ll save some brownies for you.” You got up off his bed and left the room.

Half an hour later his heartbeat had finally calmed down and Kylo was just about to fall asleep when the door slammed open and you came jumping in.

“Kylo, do you want to see my hockey mask and chainsaw?” You yelled and he screamed louder than ever before.

You ran out of the room before Kylo could calm down enough to choke you with the force. On hindsight doing that in the middle of the night was a terrible idea.

* * *

 

You, Kylo, Phasma and Hux were running through a forest and stopped for a second to catch your breaths. You looked behind to see that the shadowy figure that had been following you was getting nearer.

“I have a plan. Y/N you hide in the abandoned amusement park.” Kylo said.

You looked to see where he was talking about and saw it close by. An amusement park near a forest was an odd thing to see.

“Phasma, the pet cemetery. Hux, the spooky roller disco and I’ll go skinny dipping in the lake where those sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.”

While Kylo was busy giving out the insane orders you noticed the shadowy figure chasing you had given up and climbed up a tree.

You went for a closer inspection and noticed it was a very tall squirrel and it had somehow gotten stuck in a trench coat, which was now hanging off a branch. You left the squirrel to it and went back to the group. Kylo had already run off to the lake but Phasma and Hux had already figured out what was going on by watching you so the three of you went back to the ship and waited for Kylo.

* * *

 

Since the Resistance had been quiet recently some of the Generals in the First Order thought putting a play on for everyone would be a good idea. Kylo had lost a bet with you so he had to be in it. The worst part was that Mitaka had wrote it.

The play was based on the moment Leia met Tarkin.

“What a day. I thought that we’d never capture the rebel ship. Now to soothe my headache with a nice look out of the window of the ship.” Tarkin said, who was being played by Hux.

You could see the entire audience slump at the horrible dialogue. Suddenly the fake doors burst open behind Hux and out strode Kylo wearing his hair in buns like Leia’s and wearing an almost exact copy of Leia’s white dress. The only thing different about him was that he was wearing sunglasses and carrying a nerf gun.

“Oh no, Princess Leia!” Tarkin/Hux said.

“Hasta La Vista, Tarkie.” Leia/Kylo said, aiming the gun at Hux.

Before he could pull the trigger Hux lunged at him. He and Kylo struggled for a moment before Kylo got the upper hand and shot Hux in the face with the nerf gun.

“Come on Kylo, finish him off!” You yelled from the back of the audience.

Kylo got off of Hux and went in search for his new victim.

“You’re next, Darth Vader!” Kylo shot the gun at nothing in particular before Phasma grabbed him and dragged him off the stage.

You followed them hoping to get a picture of Kylo Ren dressed up as Leia. Maybe you’d be able to send it to General Organa herself. That’ll cheer her up. Probably.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much stuff happens at the First Order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody in space is straight. Some things in here may not exist in the Star Wars universe but hey whatever. Still gender neutral

You were stood in the control room with Hux when Kylo walked in.

“Are you....?” You started to ask.

* * *

 

“Wearing the Chanel boots? Yeah, yeah I am.” Kylo said.

“You look good.” You replied and Hux gave you a weird look.

“He doesn’t look good and those boots do nothing for his legs.” Hux told you.

“Spend a long time looking at the Commander’s legs, do you General?” You said trying not to laugh.

“Not the point. Now back to the subject before you got distracted. Since the Republic was destroyed we lost a lot of texts so I have recruited a group of people to recreate those destroyed texts.”

“Recruited?” You asked.

“Threatened.” Hux said as he sighed.

You heard a loud stomping noise and you didn’t need to look up to know it was Kylo leaving the room.

“Be careful around them Y/N, they are a bit of an acquired taste.” Hux said.

* * *

 

Acquired taste was right. They had been here for almost two weeks and they were driving you crazy. There was one guy here writing the dictionary, which you didn’t understand why the First Order needed that. There had to be millions of dictionary’s available galaxy wide. You tried to avoid him as much as possible but unfortunately you had been dragged into a meeting with him and Kylo.

“So what exactly is it you’re writing?” Kylo said, sitting down and putting his feet on the table.

“I’ve actually finished writing a book that contains every word in the basic language.”

“Every single word?” You butted in.

“Yes, sir. Every single word.” He replied.

“In that case I hope you won’t mind if I offer my most sincere contrafibularities.” There was a snort followed by a cough from Kylo as he tried not to laugh.

“What?”

“Contrafibularities? It is common word from my planet.”

“Damn.” He muttered to himself and hurriedly tried to write it down.

“Oh I’m sorry sir. I'm anaspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulation.” You said, almost laughing at the way the man was trying to write them down.

“Do you have a title for this new version of the dictionary?” Kylo asked.

“I was think of just keeping it as the dictionary.” The man said visibly sweating now.

“How about Dictionary 2: The Return of the Killer Dictionary?" You suggested.

“That is enough Y/N you can leave.” Kylo said, pinching his nose in frustration.

You almost ran into the door trying to leave that fast.

* * *

 

“Do you know what the most common question I am asked is?” Hux said.

“Will you please leave the premises?” Phasma said, not looking up from the book she was reading.

Hux had called Kylo, Phasma and you into his private room for an emergency meeting. You were getting pretty sick of these constant meetings.

“No and take your feet off my desk.” Hux knocked Phasma’s feet off as he walked past her.

“My father is visiting and the only question he ever asks is if I have a girlfriend or wife and as everyone in this room knows I am not into that. So I need your help in fooling my father into thinking I am.”

“You’re the General of a very powerful army and we have a force user why do you have to do this?” You asked.

“You don’t know my father.”

You’d heard the rumors about Hux’s father. He seemed like an awful man so you could somewhat understand why the General would want to do something like this. Better to do this and get it over with so Hux’s father can leave as soon as possible.

“Hux, nobody in this room is straight you’re better off asking Mitaka for help.” Phasma told him.

“We’ll help you.” Kylo said, surprising everyone. “Let’s begin your training General.”

You and Phasma rearranged the room so that only four chairs in a row were left in the middle of the room.

“Scenario: Two straight men attend a movie.” Kylo said as he sat down in one of the chairs. “Ok go.”

Hux sat right next to Kylo.

“No!” Kylo shoved him over to the next chair.

“You leave a buffer seat!” He said pointing at the now empty chair.

Phasma handed you a small bag of popcorn.

“Scenario: You’re thirsty.”

Kylo handed Hux a bottle of water with a straw in it.

Hux started to drink through the straw when Kylo slapped it out of his hand.

“Straight men don’t drink through straws. It looks like you’re sucking a leprechaun’s cock.”

“Scenario: I’m your co-worker.”

“You _are_ his co-worker.” You pointed out but Kylo ignored you.

“I’m your co-worker, I telling you a sad story. I say my wife, she’s so sick she caught an illness from a toilet seat.”

Hux clicked his tongue and pretended to hold a drink between two fingers.

“No!” Kylo pressed all of Hux’s fingers to the imaginary drink.

“First of all, you’re drinking beer and straight men never give any indication they’re listening.”

Kylo held Hux’s head in place with the force.

“They don’t even nod. Now you listen, stone-faced like a man. No matter what.”

You had forgotten your popcorn as you watched transfixed.

“Elton John just died.” Kylo said.

You watched as Hux’s face twitched.

“I like acid-washed jeans.”

You swore you could of heard him whimper.

“Madonna is over-rated!”

Hux made an inhuman noise.

“Let him go Ren.” Phasma said.

“I don’t think any of that helped.” You told them.

“No, I think I can do this. I never listen to my father anyway it might work. You are all dismissed.”

With that you, Kylo and Phasma all left the room.

* * *

 

It was a month after Hux’s father had visited and everything had gone well. Unfortunately this meant the General thought he was friends with you and Kylo now. He had just finished telling you both a story about a mission against the Resistance that he must of forgot you were on.

“That’s an amazing story.” You said with fake enthusiasm.

“Indeed. Thank you for sharing, Henry.” Kylo said and he walked off.

When you finally reached the rooms you asked Kylo why he called Hux by a different name.

“Hux has been getting a little chummy. When people get too chummy with me I call them by the wrong name, to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

“That’s a genius move.” You said.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome......Ken.” You then left the room to go to your bed.

Kylo smiled feeling a little bit proud.


End file.
